.
Now they should turn on a recorded tape of their own voices, which repeats over and over, «You are the fairest couple of all! You, you, you\ You are the fairest couple of them all! You and only you! No other couple will do! You and you and you\» This recording of their voices continues to play as they make love.
At first the couple may find this game fun, but after a while the repeated message and the image of themselves in the mirror quite likely will begin to grate and arouse other feelings. The game may then seem silly, and they may even want to stop. It is hoped that their motivation, fueled by a desire to achieve a better sex life and a better relationship, will inspire them to suspend judgment and see the game through. They may also become embarrassed, giggle uncomfortably, or get in touch with sadness or anger. Yet by the time they tire of looking at the mirror and shut off the recording, they will have reached a higher plateau of relating, being imbued with the realization that it does not matter whether or not they are the fairest couple in the world—only that they truly love one another.
*121/196/1*
.
Players: Husband and hysterical wife. Activist: Husband. Setting: Home.
Aim: Use of paradoxical mirroring of wife’s headache maneuver by husband in order to provoke an authentic confrontation.
Game Plan: Like the passive, the hysterical woman gets headaches—often migraines—and uses them as an excuse to refuse sex. However, the hysteric’s headaches^ju?f øÿãåsevere and are sometimes accompanied by fits, «I said I haye a headache, and I mean I have a headache! Don’t you have any consideration or respect for me at all?» The angrier variety of hysteric, therefore, will not respond to the game called «Headache» (see chapter 3) nor to any pleas, demands, or discussions. That type needs a more forceful brand of emotional communication.
In this present game the husband imitates the wife’s behavior in a way somewhat like what children do to one another. He does not ask for sex from her anymore but rather waits until she asks something of him and then refuses—saying «I have a headache.» It can be a small or large request by her which elicits this response. For example, they may be watching television and she may say, «Would you change it to ‘Wheel of Fortune’?»
*96/196/1*
.
Now he sucks on the right earlobe, runs his tongue around the edge of the ear, and gently bites the top of the rim. Then he asks, «Is that all right?» If it is, he blows lightly into the ear. He then sucks on the left earlobe, runs his tongue around it, and gently bites the top of the rim.
Then he gently bites the calf of her left leg, and asks if that is all right. If so, he licks the area in back of the left knee. Then he bites the calf of her right leg. Then he licks the dimple in back of the right knee. Then he bites the back of her left thigh, then the back of her right thigh. Then he bites her left buttock. Then he bites her right buttock. Then he licks her spine, from her waist all the way up to her neck to where her hair starts.
If by any chance she does not like any of this, then he should persuade her to try it anyway, even if it feels strange or offensive—for only by trying it will she reap the benefits of the massage. It is her depression, he should tell her, that is offended by the massage, for it does not want to receive pleasure, does not feel worthy of it, needs always to negate everything. To overcome this depression, she should go with the massage—even it if does not at first seem enjoyable.
*71/196/1*
.
The husband, true to his passive-aggressive character, will at first pretend he does not see what he sees.
The wife struts past him, smiling mysteriously, then returns to the desk again to dust off the top. Naturally, she must stoop to do this, and it is also of course necessary for her to wiggle her rear as it protrudes toward her husband. Her naked behind flexes this way and that, and now it is only a few feet from his face. He can smell a new brand of perfume she has apparently dabbed onto her secret region and can hear her humming something softly under her breath.
The wife continues to cross smilingly before him and to stoop provocatively in front of him, wiggling and swaying and dipping and squirming while fooling with the furniture and fixtures, until he cannot help but ask, «What are you doing?»
«Oh, just looking for something I once lost,» she demurely replies.
«For something you once lost? I see.» «You see? What do you see?» She wiggles her rear some more.
At this point he will begin to feel both aroused and frustrated. He may respond by jumping up right then and rushing forth to take her from behind. Or he may get angry and snap at her, «Why don’t you put on some pants? That’s disgusting. You look like a whore.» Or he may walk out of the room to avoid this seduction, which arouses feelings he has long strived to avoid and does not want to deal with.
*46/196/1*
.
Bored couples are not really bored. They are experiencing a kind of suspended animation. Boredom is a state of mind that occurs when wishes, fantasies, and feelings are being repressed because, if admitted into consciousness, they would cause anxiety.
Generally only one partner is feeling boredom, but on occasion both are. One of my patients, a man in his late thirties, complained to me of being bored by his marriage: «My wife is a very boring lady. She’s a complainer. All she does is complain, complain, complain. But if I say anything to her about her constant complaining, she accuses me of not being empathic enough. She just wants to complain but never wants to really examine herself. She can never be there for me. Even when we .have sex, which isn’t very often, I feel she’s just sort of taking a break between complaints.»
This patient’s boredom was a defense against both the anger he felt toward his wife for constantly complaining and shutting him out and the taboo wishes and fantasies he harbored of a sexual or violent nature. His wife was doing to him what she did to every other man (creating distance and desex-ualizing the relationship), and the patient was doing to her what he did to every woman (subtly rejecting her emotionally, and depriving her by withholding his anger).
*21/196/1*
|